Bachelor - Stacey

This pretty much sums it up. WHOA! She's a nut job!

Bill Clinton is visiting my high school!

CRAZY STUFF!

I am very surprised to hear that Bill Clinton will be visiting my high school. Like the article says, West Lafayette High School is the smallest public school in the county. Plus, he could go 3 blocks away and be at Purdue University. Heck, I'm amazed they are even campaigning in Indiana. That state never goes democrat! West Lafayette (and Bloomington) are probably the most liberal cities in the state though.

Still hard to imagine Bill in the same gym that my high school graduation was in!

Lent is over - Part deux

Now that I can swear again, this is going to be me...

Lent is over!

Walking a mile in Fubar's Shoes

Fubar is known for a lot of things. Bonging champagne, invincibility, and his love of Britney Spears (former love?). But, something else he is known for is his Bachelor reviews.

On Monday Kathryn and I were watching the Bachelor. We decided to walk a mile in Fubar's shoes and keep a log of the girls we liked and disliked. I have to give Fubar credit, it is a lot harder than it looks! Just as you are writing down that one girl has big teeth, another one is talking about arm wrestling. Whoa, overload. So, in the order that we met them, here is my summary of Matt, the Bachelor, and the girls.

Matt - Matt is British. The first Brit Bachelor, and he wants to meet American girls. Kathryn said that Brits think American girls are easy. Correlation?? I am undecided as to whether I am attracted to Matt or not. He had some very steamy rugby pics that almost had me convinced. But, accents only confuse me and he kind of has bags under his eyes. He does seem to have a good sense of humor, though, and he sounded really sweet when he was talking about his family. Kathryn, on the other hand, is smitten. She has earned the nickname "the 26th bachelorette".

(**Girls in this color got a rose**)

Amanda R. - As she walked up she had her hands behind back. She's kind of awkward but endearing. Collarbone = yuck. Kept getting HICCUPS!! Somehow she got the first impression rose later in the evening. Matt and I clearly don't have the same taste.

Amy - BAD DRESS. Did a spin and stuck out her hand for Matt to kiss. Then she made HIM spin around and commented on his "bum". Is this seriously your first impression? Later, though, when Stacey passed out (see below), she made a pretty funny comment about Stacey's mouth & legs finally being shut. Good one!!

Devon - Long face.

Christine - 32 years old. Looks oldish. Kept saying "thanks".

Chelsea - Self-proclaimed arm wrestling champ. After Matt arm wrestled her, he had a good line: "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women." (It was funnier with a Brit accent.)

Erin H. - Giggly. Had goth-ish hair. Already mentioned getting a wedding ring on her finger. Whoa! Slow down! I'm a married woman and you're making me scared of committment!

Kelly - Cute.

Rebecca - Kathryn happened to pause the show at this time and Rebecca had the scariest face/neck thing going on. It looked painful, really, and crazy scary. Then she said "You are from England." Really? He didn't know that.

Denise - Big teeth and is big into politics. Was an aide for Bush.

Erin S. - Kind of has a manly voice and her profession is a hot dog vendor. I bet she had a heck of a time getting her work put on hold so she could go on the show.

Robin - Meh.

Ashlee - With two E's. Just like on the How I Met Your Mother we just watched! Should have skipped the part where she blew him a kiss. She's cute though. Looks pretty young.

Alyssa - Cute and seems confident.

Michelle P. - Bright red hair... Kathryn and I both wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.

Shayne - PUKE. Later in the evening she blatently fished for compliments by asking Matt if he liked her dress. It would have been awesome if he had said NO.

Marshana - She was sporting some weird African princess garb that she made herself. She is also the Miss Earth New York. Whatever that means. Totally the token black chick that he'll keep around for a couple rounds.

Amanda P. - Looks like she is 12.

Tamara - High pitched voice, cocktail waittress.

Holly - Looks like a Barbie doll. Suprisingly good conversation though.

Tiffany - "You look sharp..." What are you? My grandma?

Carri - She had a weird chest. "You're English, OK." He went for a peck on the cheek and she looked like she went for tongue.

Stacey - Right away, I called SLUT! I also said she had DSL. (Hopefully you people know what that means. If not, Google it.) She even had a huge tramp stamp tattoo that her low-back dress showed off. Later in the show, she got totally bombed. She had this glorious line: "I have my bachelors in nutrition. And nothing and no one will ever stop me. I want to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." Wow. Sounds like one of Ahow's drunk voicemails!! Later on in the evening Matt was talking to Stacey and another girl and Stacey kept rubbing his leg. AWKWARD. Then, he walked away and she went over and slipped him her underwear. WHOA! Fortunately, she passed out soon after that. All class!

Lesley - Weird shaped mouth.

Michelle R. - No, not Michelle Reuter! This girl had a mouse voice.

Noelle - Nice rack and dimples. Not annoying.

My top 5 favorite girls
Kelly
Alyssa
Holly**
Carri
Noelle
** Kathryn had the same list, except Robin instead of Holly.


Matt managed to pick 4 out of my top 5, so I'm pretty happy about that. He didn't pick Alyssa though. Not sure what he was thinking there.


Looks like it will be a good series!!

Why couldn't I be a magnet for money?

So, there is this quirk that I have:

When I stay in hotels, I am always given a room that someone is already in.

I swear. Last night this happened to me for the FOURTH time in my life. Most people have never had this happen, and I have had it happen 4 times in the last 4-5 years.

1. The first time it happened to me I was on a work trip to St. Louis. It was at a really nice hotel. We had been out to dinner with our client team and got back to check in kind of late. Fortunately, I had been drinking some wine, so I thought the situation was funny. If I were dead sober, I probably would have been slightly scared! I open the door to my room and there is a large black man sitting at the desk in his boxers. Um... Anyway, I went back downstairs and they had to give me a nasty smoking room!
2. The 2nd time it happened, I have witnesses. Reuter, Michelle, Ploth & I were down in Nashville. We got to our room and walked in the door. It was pitch black, but as our eyes started to focus, we realized there was a large bump on the bed. Someone was there sleeping! We took off back downstairs to get a new room.
3. The 3rd time was when I was moving from Chicago to Norfolk. I left after work and had driven for 7 hours. I finally pulled off at midnight to get a room. When I walked in the door, there was a woman and her 2 daughters. They didn't see me, so I just walked back out. She must have heard something, though, because she goes "Honey, is that you?" Nope. It wasn't.
4. I have been staying in this hotel every other week for the last year. It is to the point where one woman, Valerie Love according to her name tag, knows me by name. Usually, this is a good thing since they will give me rooms in the areas that I want to be in. Well, last night Valerie was with a customer, so I had to deal with some clearly incompetent worker. Off to my room. As I walked up, I noticed the curtains were shut. They always leave them open after cleaning. Then, I opened the door. Oddly, the first thing I noticed was a tissue laying on the dresser. Gross! Did they even clean this room? As I looked around, I realized someone's stuff was there! Grr! Are you serious?

So, I am a magnet to getting already occupied hotel rooms. It couldn't be something useful like always randomly finding money. Or bumping into famous people. It has truly gotten to the point that when a desk clerk gives me my room key I just want to say "Are you SURE there is no one in this room?" Because, with my luck, there WILL be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUBEY FUBE!!

St. Patty's Day in the 'Folk

I was a little bummed this St. Patrick's Day weekend. I didn't get to attend the 30 bar pub crawl, or any of the other festivities. I was a little skeptical of how they do the day of Green Beer down in Virginia. And, to top it all off, Lee had duty that day. Fortunately, my backup husband, Tom, was willing to go out and get drunk.

I don't have any pictures from the day because I was dumb and forgot my camera...

However, I didn't forget roadies for me & Tom!!

So, Tom came over at about 11am. I had the screwdrivers already mixed up in to-go containers. We headed off. The parade was only a few blocks away from my house. The parade wasn't the most amazing thing I've ever seen, but the screwdriver was strong and I was feeling it fast.

I started accumulating green stuff pretty fast. First a green Statue of Liberty crown. Then, soon, I spent the last of my cash on an AWESOME St. Patty's Day pimp hat. Can you say impulse buy?
The parade may not have had the best floats, but they did have THREE different floats jamming to Lynyrd Skynyrd. And that is awesome.

One of the best parts was watching some of the good t-shirts around the parade. Some of my faves:

• IRISH TODAY... HUNGOVER TOMORROW.


• Lick me I'm Irish (classy)

While we were at the parade, we ran into a woman that keeps her boat on the same dock as Tom. She has lived in Norfolk her entire life, so she knew where to go and what to do. Once the parade was over we headed over to the VFW. I really need to start hanging out at that place! Cheap beer & good music (read: country). After that we went over to the Knights of Columbus. They had a sweet setup going. A band inside, a band outside, lots of booze stands and food stands. And I even got to see a big fight get broken up right in front of me... By Tom. Haha.

Jay and some others met up with us there and we headed over to Greenie's. Greenie's ALSO had two bands and tents everywhere. It was packed, but they were keeping up with the crowds and getting us drinks pretty quick!

At some point in the evening, we decided it was a good idea to all go back to Tom's boat and drive the boat down to Kokoamos. It took us over an hour to get down there. By then we were all pretty hammered. We ended up only staying there for about an hour and a half. The minute we got back on Tom's boat to leave, I passed out on the couch. Apparently I "slept" heavily. I guess it was some pretty rough seas on the way home.

After my "nap", I awoke and we were magically back at Tom's dock. A few of us shared a cab and when I got home, I went straight to bed. Lee got off work at 8:30am, but fortunately he wanted a nap. So, we both finally got up at 11am and miraculously, I wasn't hungover at all! After 12 long hours of drinking!! It was a St. Patrick's Day MIRACLE!! And, I have to say, Norfolk knows how to do it up on St. Patrick's Day. They may not dye any rivers green, but they still know how to party!!

* note, doesn't the guy wearing the pimp hat kind of look like someone else we knows??

Enjoy a green beer!!

Locks of Love

I've decided that I am going to start growing my hair in order to do Locks of Love. You have to have a minimum of 10 inches to donate... Which is a lot of hair! I kind of wish I hadn't gotten my hair cut last fall now!!


Anyway, if hair grows 1/2 inch per month, I am giving myself until next summer to grow my hair. This is allowing for a couple trims during the year. I don't want to donate a bunch of split ends!!


I wish I were as brave as Josh Flowers who is going to go totally bald for childhood cancer.

I thought you were supposed to be helpful

I have been trying for 3 days now to be able to pay my mortgage online with Wells Fargo. Today, I called the support service phone number for the 2nd time. I told the woman what was happening. The conversation went like this:

Idiotic Woman: What seems to be the problem?
Lauren: When I try to log in, it says that I don't have any accounts to access.
IW: Well, DO you have any accounts with Wells Fargo?
L: YES! I HAVE A MORTGAGE.

How stupid of a question was that? Why would I be trying to log on to the Wells Fargo website if I didn't have any Wells Fargo accounts?

"Oh, that's it. See, I just go to random financial websites and try to log on for the fun of it. My life is that empty and boring. Thanks for figuring out the problem."

Brad Paisley - I'm Still A Guy

This song's lyrics are hilarious. I couldn't find the real music video for it, but this will have to do for now.

"I don't highlight my hair, I still have a pair..."

Actuary?

This guy sounds like he could be an actuary... Let's see, understands math forwards... Is bored enough at work to respond to all of them with smarmy responses. Yup.

I am so immature

I am watching the Biggest Loser Couples, and Dan just said:

"Today, me, Bob and Roger, we tossed some salads..."

I can't stop laughing.

Beauty & the Geek - Here we go again!!

Overview of the Contestants

The Geeks:
John - Computer nerd
Greg - Gaysian geek
Joe - Cowboy geek. This guy said sex was overrated.
Chris - Thinks a good pickup line is: "Hey babe, are you complex? Cause that a$$ is unreal."
Matt - Poet with some THICK glasses.
Tommy - Sweater vest obsessed. The guy has hundreds!
Jim - Video game programmer
Jonathan - "Mama's Boy"
Jason - "One buff geek"... With huge teeth.

* I am already going to call that Jonathan, Tommy & Jim will be the ones that end up cute after the makeover.

The Beauties:
Jillian - Playboy model. Things she said not to talk to her about: anything educational, science, math, politics. Fubar, being a math teacher, I think that qualifies as educational & math!
Amber - runway model. She said that on a scale of 1 to 10 she's a 20. She also pulled some of the most blatent game play by sitting on one of the geeks laps in the hot tub and basically asking for him to help her in the game.
Cara - can't tell time unless it is a digital clock.
Tara - Daisy Dukes Hostess? Gets money from daddy.
Amanda - Hawaiian Tropics Model. When asked to name the last 5 Presidents she said "Bush, Clinton, Nixon, Theordore, Roosevelt, and Higley." (Yes she named 6.)
Kristina - thought people were buried at the side of the road when there were crosses.
Tiffany - said she had a low IQ... of 200.
Leticia - Extreme sports player who said she doesn't like girls. Oh boy!
Randi - Navy diva? I have no idea what this is.

Funny moments:

The Gaysian fell into the pool and then later he cried.

"Do you realize throwing a grenade in a school of fish will provide food for a week?"

Amber said "No wonder a lot of people get a lot of plastic surgery because they want to look good."

The two black chicks, Randi & Amber got into a HUGE fight. Randi kept calling Amber dumb and Amber kept calling her fat. It was extremely uncomfortable to watch. But rather funny!

Oh, and I forgot. The big twist this season is that it is beauties vs. geeks. For the first challenge they had to see how many phone numbers they could get in a social setting. To even the scales, they did a "makeunder" of the beauties. Basically, they put a fat suit on one, gave them acne, etc. It was pretty funny. I still think that girls IN GENERAL have it easier than dudes in this challenge, but whatever. No surprise to me, the beauties won. Even with their new found ugliness.

The beauties chose 5 geeks to fight for elimination. They actually did a good job sending the people that didn't need to be there as much as others. In the end, the "Microsoft addict" went home.

Can't wait for next week!

Remember when the MMC stock price plummeted?

I do.

And I'm still slightly bitter about it.

Especially when I find out that the cause of it, Mr. Eliot Spitzer is a whoremonger.

Jerk!

"I'm soooooo sorry... That I got caught!"

Hillbilly Saturday

Nope, I don't mean Hillbilly Sundays that used to exist in Chicago... I'm talking about our Saturday night here in Norfolk.

We started out with dinner at our place with Amos & his lady friend, Amanda. This, I guess was the beginning of hillbilly night. Amos is from Martinsville, VA, and has one of the thickest redneck accents I have ever heard! We made chili, cornbread, salad & Bud Light. Tasty!

sidenote: Lee had originally given up beer for Lent. After 3 weeks of getting way too bombed and pissing off his wife, he gave up giving up beer. It's a good thing Jesus was not as easily tempted as Lee, because I am sure a cold beer sounded great in the desert. Satan only would have needed a sixer of High Life.

We headed over to the Lido Inn. The Lido Inn is a country bar. It is dark and dingy, but has awesome murals on the walls of legendary country musicians.

Usually they have a house band, but recently they have been mixing it up a little with some other bands. This time, the band was a little bit, er, more experienced (aka old)... And so were a lot of the people at the bar!! The band turned out to be pretty awesome though. They played a ton of Haggard, some George Strait, Ronnie Milsap, etc. Karen would have loved it. The old people dancing were so cute too! My favorite couple was in their late 60's. The guy was wearing tight Wranglers, boots, a gaudy American flag shirt and a cowboy hat. His wife was wearing bright read pants and a red/white/blue shirt. They were quite patriotic!

We met up with Jay & Cayci there.

Jay got a call from his brother that they were over at The Banque. We decided to head on over and meet them. I have been dying to go to the Banque since I moved here, but so far we hadn't made it. Jay doesn't like the Banque because they have male strippers there every Thursday. Not real sure why that is an issue on every other day of the week... The Banque was everything I thought it would be!! It is a HUGE country bar. As you pull into the parking lot, it is FULL of huge pickup trucks. Sweet! There were probably about 350 people there 150 of which were line dancing. (And 250 of them were pretty trashy. Haha!)

The wait staff was good and it didn't take long to get a drink. Oh, and this is an 18 & up bar, so that is always interesting. There was a stage where people would do the line dances so that you can follow along. One of my favorite things in the world is to watch older dudes line dance. Line dances tend to have some booty shakes in them, and there is something insanely funny about a chubby old dude shaking his butt. We were at the Banque until they kicked us out at closing time!

All in all, it was a big 'ol country night... And I loved it!

Someone smarter than me...

Needs to figure out how THIS works and explain it to me. It's bugging me.

1) Go to the link. After reading each window, click on the boy in the lower right corner of the picture.
2) In the last window type in your answer in the white box using the keyboard (there is NO cursor).
3) Watch the paper in the boy's hand. You will be amazed . . and no, I don't know how it's done.

Darn you, that IS my number!

Ploth the ticking time bomb

Back when we were interns (this was seirously, what, seven years ago?) we all took this quiz.

At that time, it was revealed that Plothow was a ticking time bomb ready to explode and possibly kill all of us. We befriended him anyway.

Since it is Friday and I'm sick of working, I decided to take this quiz again. My assessment doesn't seem to fit me near as well as I thought it did back in the day...

I wonder if Ploth is still a ticking time bomb!!

Excerpt from my results:

Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest.

See, not so much... I mostly just like to sit on the couch.

3rd verse is about God

I really got into country music when I moved up to Chicago from Indiana. Strange, I know, since you would expect to find more country music in Indiana... But, I guess that is what influences like Reuter & Barry will do for ya.

Over the last 5 years of avid country music listening, I have noticed certain things that are very specific to country music. One of those is what I call "3rd verse God". This is a pattern I have found in a TON of country songs. Basically, the songs consist of 3 verses. The first two are about partying or love or children, then the last verse relates it to God/religion/heaven. I have tried to start a list of songs that have this, but I have not gotten very far (because I keep forgetting). So, if you can think of more, leave me a comment!

Example: "Love Without End, Amen" ~ George Strait (see the Amen already tips you off!)

Verse 1 (about fighting & his father)
I got sent home from school one day with a shiner on my eye.
Fightin' was against the rules and it didn't matter why.
When dad got home I told that story just like I'd rehearsed.
And then stood there on those tremblin' knees and waited for the worst.

And he said, "Let me tell you a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us."
He said, "Daddies don't just love their children every now and then.
It's a love without end, amen, it's a love without end, amen."

Verse 2 (about children)
When I became a father in the spring of '81
There was no doubt that stubborn boy was just like my father's son.
And when I thought my patience had been tested to the end,
I took my daddy's secret and I passed it on to him.

Verse 3 (BAM! about God/heaven)
Last night I dreamed I died and stood outside those pearly gates.
When suddenly I realized there must be some mistake.
If they know half the things I've done, they'll never let me in.
And then somewhere from the other side I heard these words again.

And he said, "Let me tell you a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us."
He said, "Daddies don't just love their children every now and then.
It's a love without end, amen, it's a love without end, amen."

Other songs that have "3rd verse God":
"Never wanted nothing more" ~ Kenny Chesney
"Small town southern man" ~ Alan Jackson
"You'll always be my baby" ~ Sara Evans (this is actually 2nd verse God!!)
"I love you this much" ~ Jimmy Wayne
"Love me" ~ Colin Raye (this is 2nd verse heaven)
"I'll wait for you" ~ Joe Nichols

Right on the money

From Clint's blog, I found this website: Stuff White People Like

I have been slowly browsing through the website when I have down time in my day. Some of them are pretty hilarious. I highly recommend checking it out.

On that website, I found a "guest column" that did The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love. This list is right on the money:

10. Positive K - I Got A Man What's your man gotta do with me?

9. Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance This song makes me think of Reuter. And he's pretty white.

8. Biz Markie - Just A Friend This song reminds me of the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode when Dennis & Dee go on welfare. They're out on their porch singing this song and drinking 40's. It's classic.

7. Young MC - Bust A Move

6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock - It Takes Two Ah, the piano bar at the Neon Cactus.

5. Naughty By Nature - Hip Hop Hooray

4. Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is) As embarrassing as this is to admit, back in junior high basketball, we all had t-shirts that said "Hoop there it is" on the back. Yeah, we're cool.

3. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

2. House of Pain - Jump Around

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back This was actually voted our class song when I graduated from high school... We only had about 3 black people in my graduating class.

Geeks have a day of mourning...

Gary Gygax, Dungeons & Dragons creator, dies

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin (AP) -- Gary Gygax, who co-created the fantasy game Dungeons & Dragons and helped start the role-playing phenomenon, died Tuesday morning at his home in Lake Geneva. He was 69.
He had been suffering from health problems for several years, including an abdominal aneurysm, said his wife, Gail Gygax.
Gygax and Dave Arneson developed Dungeons & Dragons in 1974 using medieval characters and mythical creatures. The game known for its oddly shaped dice became a hit, particularly among teenage boys, and eventually was turned into video games, books and movies.
Gygax always enjoyed hearing from the game's legion of devoted fans, many of whom would stop by the family's home in Lake Geneva, about 55 miles southwest of Milwaukee, his wife said. Despite his declining health, he hosted weekly games of Dungeons & Dragons as recently as January, she said.
"It really meant a lot to him to hear from people from over the years about how he helped them become a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman, what he gave them," Gygax said. "He really enjoyed that."
Dungeons & Dragons players create fictional characters and carry out their adventures with the help of complicated rules. The quintessential geek pastime, it spawned a wealth of copycat games and later inspired a whole genre of computer games that's still growing in popularity.
Funeral arrangements are pending. Besides his wife, Gygax is survived by six children.

How is enforcing the law racial profiling?

Prince William Co. Immigration Law Takes Effect Next Week
Officers Will Be Able To Investigate Citizenship Status Of Suspected Criminals

PRINCE WILLIAM COUNTY, Va. -- Next week one of Prince William County's toughest and most controversial immigration laws will go into effect.

The law allows police to investigate the citizenship status of people who are detained for breaking the law if officers have probable cause to believe they are violating federal immigration policy.

Police said crime victims and cooperative witnesses will be protected, regardless of their immigration status.

Opponents said the law will allow police to racially profile anyone who looks like he or she could be undocumented.

The police department said officers are strictly prohibited from racial profiling while enforcing the new law. Officers have been trained to investigate only suspected criminals, police said.

The new policy is the result of a resolution passed by the Prince William County Board of Supervisors last July.

I will give you $20 to punch me in the nose...

This is a famous Ploth quote from our days as interns. We were at an exam passers dinner and somehow we got stuck down at the end of the table with Cliff. Most readers of my blog know what this means. For those of you that don't, Cliff was one of those actuaries that give the rest of us a bad name. He had a knack for turning every conversation into a statistics story problem. "So, if we were playing the McDonald's Monopoly game and you got Boardwalk and I got Park Place..." Cliff also had a problem with, ahem, adjusting himself in public a lot. Need I say more?

Anyway, we were getting pretty drunk and Cliff was being Cliff. At one point Ploth turned to me and said "I will give you $20 if you punch me in the nose and make it bleed so I can leave the table and get away from him (Cliff)."

This was the first thing I thought of this morning when I heard THIS on the radio:

PASCO, Wash. — What happened to faking a cough?
Sheriff's detectives in Washington state say a man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn't have to go to work.
When he first spoke with deputies, Daniel Kuch told them he'd been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was jogging Thursday.
But detectives told KONA radio that Kuch later acknowledged that he asked his friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid a drug test.
The friend has been arrested for investigation of reckless endangerment. Kuch is expected to be charged with false reporting.
Detectives declined to say where Kuch works, or whether he still has a job. It wasn't known if he had obtained a lawyer.

Immigration Gumballs

No, this isn't Clint's blog...

Will YOU Inspire Change? It's In Your Hands